Forgive me father for I have bitched.

It’s been like this for so long, as long as I can remember. I’m just so sick of it all. The same fucking routines year after fucking year and I piss and moan about it but in the end what’s the point? I can’t do a single thing about it. 

I hate fucking despise…being a teenager? Is that even what I should call it? Or is it just life in general? The way things are? Well anyways, i despise it. 

Not that I had the summer of a lifetime… don’t get me wrong, it was really good… but I just hate going back to school. I don’t mean that in a way like “Oh man, I have to actually think now and do work.” but in a way that I hate the repetition of it all.

Every fucking day it’s just the same shit. Wake up at the crack of fuckin’ dawn, go to school, attempt to not enter comatose during classes, go to sports practice (either cross country, winter track, or lacrosse) tire myself out, go home, take a shower, wallow around like a fucking zombie, wish I could go to sleep, half-ass all my homework while stopping for 10 minute naps, eat dinner, finish up any more homework, and then pass out anywhere between 11:30-1:00. 

It’s not even just the “schooling” aspect of school, but the people. Oh, the fucking people, they’re just the cherry on top. Everyone is just so full of shit and fake, and the girls, they’re the worst. I don’t even know who I really am anymore because of who these girls and society have told me to be over the past 11 years or so. I complain about them but yet I feel like the only way I have a chance of surviving the 6 hours of torture inside that concrete jail cell-like building is by socializing with these sad human beings who get all bent out of shape about shit like who’s hooking up with who and which girl said this about the other one. 

And there’s this boy… I know, you want to shoot me, stop reading now if you can’t handle it but yeah, I’m now gonna rant about a fucking boy.

I spend a great majority of my time trying to win this guy over. Not in the way like I want him to like me because he already confesses his “love” for me, but i’m not retarded, i know he just wants ass. But the worst thing is, I’ve started to believe him. I know it’s bullshit! All my girl friends tell me “It’s not, stop being so pessimistic, he laahhvess youuu!”  NO. No. NOOO. no. no. I’m sorry, but I just can’t take the stupid crap girls believe. I know he, just like every other guy in my school and potentially on this planet, just wants sex. And I like think i’m trying to convince him i’m “special” and “different” and that he can love me for more than just sex but we all know that’s just a crock of shit when it comes to teenage boys. But it’s so frustrating. I always said i’d never be the girl to fall goo-goo eyed in love with some boy in high school and expect we were gonna get married and live on a nice prairie with our 7 kids blah blah blah, and I don’t really think that’s going to happen with me and this boy, I don’t even necessarily love him. But what i’m saying is, I like him, i really fucking do but i just wish i didn’t. It’s so hard liking someone who pretends to like you but deep down doesn’t give a shit. You may be thinking I’m fucking psychotic for looking this much into how a boy feels about me but I do know he doesn’t care because he was “together” with my friend before we started talking/hooking up. He basically told her all the same shit he’s telling me and then the day she ended things with him he went and hooked up with like 7 other girls… one of them being me… (worst friend/ most frequent breaker of girlcode ‘10, i know, i know)

But yet here I am, where I thought I’d never in a million years be; Crying over a fucking boy. It’s just so fucking hard! What am I supposed to do when this boy fucking finishes my sentences and is just hilariously funny and cute and imperfect but in some perfect ways but he just wants me for sex. I caved by deciding to go out with him. And I know i’m gonna be left heart broken in 10 months when he leaves for college to go have the fucking time of his life and i’ll be stuck here with all the imbeciles in my town.

I know this seems like the melodrama of the year and i’m sure i’ll be over all this by like next week and we’ll probably break up by December and i’ll look back and laugh at how i thought i’d have to worry about him going to college but right now i just wish things could be a little easier. I need like a sign. Or a bullet to the head, anything to stop my mind from racing and thinking as much as it does.

I just don’t know what to do anymore, but then again I never did.

I can’t quit you, babe.

-believeinnarwhals:

justinbrighten-:

johnnieefta:

kellyrox:

so i was just thinking back to this summer. summer 2010 has been the best summer of my life. and i am not just saying that, like it really has been. i have met a ton of new friends, now which i call some of my best friends. i have been to so many places. new music. new opportunities. new everything. and want to thank everyone that has been a part of my summer so far. i am so grateful for everything.